I Just Couldn't Resist

Without further ado, here is a hopefully memorable poem about a certain explosion and its aftermath:

Remember the Maine (and Spain, and other words ending in -ain/-ane)

Dedicated to Shane and Reine and Anna DeSpain

Sponsored by The APUSH Blog Train


Let us all travel down memory lane
To learn about Cubans and sugarcane.
The product was useful, Cuba had much to gain
But unfortunately their profits had started to wane.
Tariffs caused insurrectos to loudly complain
They launched out their anger against mother Bahrain.
Wait! Not Bahrain, they didn't exist yet...Ukraine?
No no no, that can't be it, it must be Spain!
Yes, Spain was the target of Cuban disdain!
But civilians were treated in ways inhumane
Causing Americans to go almost insane.
Pulitzer and Hearst wrote with free rein
On the stories of Cuba, some rather arcane
But Cleveland from war did firmly refrain.
His successor was at least a bit less mundane
To Cuba he sent the battleship Maine
But then something happened no one can explain
It just went "kaboom!", that much we maintain.
But finding the guilt was really a strain
Most Americans thought the scheme was quite plain
Who blew up the Maine but those scoundrels in Spain?
The public was ready for a decisive campaign
But the commander-in-chief wanted to abstain.
Public pressures, however, caused him not to restrain;
McKinley told the Congress to put war in the fast lane
So Congress placed war in the political domain.

Now what would they do, there wasn't a plane!
And Spain's mighty navy did still remain,
Except one small detail, the ships were in pain.
Perhaps American victory wasn't that much of a strain.
Teddy Roosevelt sure had a plan, he being quite vain,
His antics and stunts are sure to entertain:
"Why attack Cuba when the Philippines we can gain?"
To him it was common sense, like that of ol' Paine,
But to Cuba, the Philippines really do not pertain.
So what? Here goes Dewey on a marv'lous campaign!
All the Spanish ships were immediately slain,
Falling into the harbor like droplets of rain.
Dewey soon became subject of many a refrain
Proclaiming magnificent stories of this naval gain.
But Dewey could only wait and complain
"Those ships are so slow! I cannot sustain
This succession of attacks that might be in vain!"
The sluggish travel was a transportation stain
So much that Hawaii was seen as the link to the chain.
Whether we needed Hawaii, I cannot ascertain
But Hawaii as a territory, we would ordain.
Now back to Cuba, which was really a pain
The icky diseases were America's bane.
But Roosevelt had ideas, coming from the same vein
Leading many to wonder if he was taking cocaine.
But high or not, Roosevelt's men he did train,
His Rough Riders were ready for any terrain!
They charged up the hill, leaving many men slain
While Teddy's excitement he could hardly contain.

But enough was enough for poor old Spain:
"Leave us alone! This is not just a feign!"
Their diplomats wanted peace in their reign.
'Twas just as well, for many Americans were lain
On the ground, dead with typhoid or a flu strain.
But now was the ambassadors' work to explain
Just which Spanish colonies would America gain.
"Cuba, of course, that was the object of pain!
And Puerto Rico and Guam we must now obtain!"
Philippines...well...could we really abstain?
Leaving it alone seems foolhardy and inane
Besides, there lies the makings of a conversion campaign
And our treasury has plenty of excess to drain.
So, it was settled, the Philippine rein
Would head to the Yanks, which soon would contain
Twenty million less dollars; they were headed to Spain.
Many new colonies! The war was not mundane:
There was great celebration; out came the champagne!
But many looked at imperial America with mere disdain.
"Czar" Reed was among them, he thought it insane!

One thing is certain, this fact I maintain:
People surely remembered to remember the Maine.
And now every last -ane word has left from my brain;
It's probably time to end this refrain.

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